Who is God!

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking a moment, his mother responds, Well, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers anyway, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

The Priest and the Rabbi...

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest what goes on in the confessional. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know."

A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."

Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?" The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."

So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."

Bad brothers...

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Tell the truth...

Guy goes out to buy a pack of cigarettes, but the store is closed so he decides to use the vending machine at his local bar. He goes in, orders a beer, gets his butts and starts talking to a really gorgeous blonde. He has a few more beers and after a little while, he and the blonde go back to her place. Well, they have a grand old time, but suddenly he realizes that it's 3 AM and his wife's gonna kill him, so he asks the blonde to shake some talcum powder on his hands and he heads for home.

When he gets home, his wife is waiting up for him and she's madder than a wet hen! "Where the hell have you been?" she bellows. "Well," says he, "I went to buy cigarettes, but the store was closed. So I went to the bar, used the vending machine, had a few beers, met a beautiful blonde and went back to her apartment where we made passionate love with abandon."
"You dirty liar," screams the wife. "You've been bowling again!"